Thought I'd share.

Don't question it- just laugh and take the *Stones' advice and roll with it.

A mom is tidying her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines.
She asks her husband what to do.
He says, "DO NOT FRICKIN` SPANK HIM!"


"Whenever I see a couple with a significant height difference, I always picture them doing it."

"If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven't met enough people."
"When I finally break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell 'UNFOLLOW' and then walk away."

(804): fucking a dude
(804): i mean: fucking a, dude
(1-804): wow, that comma made all the difference there

"Grandma, the words are very similar, but you "butt dialed" me. You didn't booty call me."

"All women have an hour glass figure - it's just that they all tote around different amounts of sand."

Kid: Mom? Are you giving us money when you die?
Mom: Yes.
Kid: How much? Like $10?
Mom: ...it's more than $10.
Kid: How much is that?
Mom: I'm not comfortable telling you that.
Kid: Okay.
Mom: ...
Kid: How do you want to die?

"I like to write "Wake Up" on my To-Do list so I can start the day off accomplishing something. "

(830): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Also, I saw a church sign like this:
"Wal-mart isn't the only place around saving people."

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-bitch."





*Haha, get it? The Rolling Stones?